RP Feedback please.

["K-OS" Karl O'Sullivan]

Could everyone please give me feedback on my latest RP? Thanks guys. Much appreciated.

[Trent Raven]

I'm going to be honest so that you can learn from the critique. In no way is any of my comments a personal attack.

That being said, the story was rather short and surfaced. That can be okay, just a flag for a potential "fluff angle" where no one steps on anyone's toes. I would recommend watching a few real interviews, like a Barbara Walters or a Stone Phillips and see how they would react to a subject. They do not like having their subject control the conversation. You'll have to yield some of the ego when doing an interview roleplay.

Another thing to watch for is the intimacy of the characters. I'm getting from the text that Vixen is close to Pete. Girlfriend, wife? He talks to her like she is a manager or valet. If that is her role, then it was fine, but if she is something more, she could stand to get a little more cross with him because she would feel comfortable enough to tell him what she really thinks/feels. Remember when writing a woman's role, her feelings should manifest in body language and not in words. Very few women actually say what they feel.

Lastly, your wrestler was way too subdued for my taste. He came off a bit soft in the RP. I get the feeling you are trying to make him more calculating. If that is the case, you need to bait the interviewer into asking a question you want to answer, or getting more agressive vocally. Remember that even faces get mad. You can get mad at a situation and still maintain a "good guy" image. Just keep it to vocalities and not physicalities.

I hope this helps. I wish I would have had this type of advise when I got started. It took me watching hours of wrestling tape and working as a vignette writer for an organization.

Keep in mind that if you tell a good story, wins and titles will fall into place eventually. If no one wants to read your full roleplay, you haven't done your job, and you will most likely lose.

Hope that helps.

["K-OS" Karl O'Sullivan]

I hear ya mate, thanks. There's a lot of rust I'm having trouble shaking off. Haha.

Seriously, I love criticism. I hate it when people say that's great when they didn't really like it and they just say it to not hurt feelings. Thanks for your honesty. ::big thumb up::

[Isaac Comelightly]

I have trouble critiquing in that Ian and I have been friends on and off the net and I've been in every fed that Ian's been in during his e-fed career. Not that I don't like critiquing his work just that through our friendship and also angles I know Pete and Vixen inside out so I take for granted some info, so Trey's point about the relationship I would have missed because I already know that. Similarly, I was e-fedding before ya bud with the llikes of Trey and the other NEGWA, NEW peeps and learnt from the best, I may not have perfected it but I have a better idea how to work things such as the interview RP.

Its hard to add anything to Trey's thoughts, or tell ya stuff that ya don't know yourself, I think you should stick to your strengths for this huge tustle, which in my opinion are your humopurous storylines/one liners and Hardy's intense interview style verbal attacks on his opposition.

I think the areas you could work on most are the development of a little more description in your scene setting, and also working on making the too and fro of conversation and the roles of the people in their conversation a bit more realistic. At times they conversations can appear played and staged (I know its an RP but ya know what I mean).

I still think you're a top man, and I'm the first to ya work, just my two pence worth.

[The Davids Brothers]

I pretty much agree with what Trey/Trent Raven said. One thing I have to add and it has nothing to do with the writing, but it would look alot nicer if you seperated what the people say by making the text a different color. It takes a little time to change all of it, but it makes it much easier to read plus it counts for rp points.

[Trent Raven]

Good idea Aaron. Will start incorporating that after this card. Nice pickup.